I Shouldn't Say Shouldn't
Common Usages of The Word "Should"
1. To express a desire, need, wish or feeling by appealing to a vague, unspecified, external authority instead of openly expressing a need, desire, wish or feeling.
examples:
"You should take better care of your room."
"He should be nicer to his wife."
"I should not have eaten an entire pie last night."
"No one should die because they cannot afford health care."
2. To give a command, to make a request or to attempt to persuade without appearing to do so by appealing to a vague, unspecified, external authority.
examples:
"You should do your homework before you go play."
"We should not allow children to go hungry."
"You should lose weight."
You may substitute other words for "should" such as "ought, obligation, right (as in human- or civil-), and responsibility." All these words can be barriers to open, honest communication. I'm not being superior--I catch myself using them, too--and it is an effort for me to speak simply, honestly and openly--as I feel I must (should? see, I did it right there) as a Christian and a pastor. My training as a pastor and as a mediator has taught me to listen beyond a person's words to hear the need or desire that is being expressed. When I hear "should," I take it as a signal to probe a little deeper. All the examples above can be reworded without the word "should" to directly express a desire, feeling or command/request. Try it yourself before reading further.
"I want you to clean up your room."
"I am angered by the way he speaks to his wife."
"I feel guilty for eating an entire pie in one sitting."
"I am grieved that people die because of their poverty and I want to do something about it."
"Do your homework right now."
"Let us feed the children."
"Please go on a diet."
Remove the "shoulds" and the underlying feelings, hopes, needs and requests become more plain. We also notice that in so doing, the predominant subject pronoun changed from "you" to "I", another sign that more open communication is happening. When our wishes are made more clear, there is a better chance of their fulfilment. When we make our commands clear instead of appealing to some distant authority, they will be better understood. The "should" statements are open to argument. What if I disagree that I should take better care of my room? Why should I? What authority dictates that I clean my room? The command "I am your mother; I want you to clean your room; clean your room today" can be resisted or disobeyed, yet it is clear and unambiguous.
Why do we lean on "should" if it obscures our communication? In some cases, I think that we are being subtly disingenuous, especially when we are trying to persuade others. We appeal to this faceless authority to make our argument more persuasive. Or we frame our desire as a moral imperative to guilt someone into compliance. But most of the time, I think we do it because we are afraid or insecure. Appealing to an authority distances ourselves from the statement or request; it feels safer. Speaking openly and honestly of our needs and desires makes us vulnerable to the indifference of others. Or we feel that expressing our feelings and desires just isn't sufficient, that our needs are not important unless they are justified by an authority beyond ourselves. I know people who have a very difficult time saying "I want..." because they have been taught that what they want is not important, but that morality and fairness are. Giving orders or making requests opens us up to the possibility that we will be disobeyed, opposed or denied. If we say "You should take better care of your room" and our teenager says, "No, I shouldn't" he isn't resisting US, but the mysterious authority we are merely quoting.
As I said, I do this often. "They shouldn't be so loud. He should slow down. No one has the right to speak to me that way. I deserve more respect." It is easier to assume the role of the unjustly injured party or to ally myself with the moral authority than to simply express my opinion, desire or feeling. When I catch myself thinking that, it is helpful to stop a moment and rephrase that thought without the "should." It forces me off my moral high horse and helps me clarify what I am really feeling and what I truly want to happen. I think our communication and our relationships will benefit by retiring the word "should" from our vocabularies and by hearing the word "should" as an invitation to dig a little deeper to hear the unspoken desires and feelings that are (almost) being shared.
