Hirsute is Hip

On Saturday, wildlife biologists in downtown Anchorage tracked, tranquilized, radio tagged and photographed (attached) a Mennonite pastor who had somehow found his way into the Saturday Market. Although rare in urban areas, they are known to be attracted by food and free music. Alaskan biologists are concerned by this increasing acclimatization and ask people to refrain from leaving food and garbage where Mennonite pastors can get into it.

Yes. It's true. I've had a beard since December. And less than three months later, the New York Times ran an article on how popular beards have become. "So long, pretty boy: Full beards are suddenly cool" was the headline in the Anchorage Daily News. And yes, this is front page stuff in Alaska. Most people do not realize or appreciate the extent to which I am a national trendsetter. The problem is that I am usually so fashion-forward, so cutting-edge hip, that I can be mistaken for someone definitively un-cool or even tragically unhip. When velour shirts and corduroy pants become all the rage (and they will, I guarantee it) the evidence will be incontrovertible. But by that time, I will be far ahead of the curve, breaking new ground, blazing new trails in men's fashion and grooming, and opening to them all a new world of masculine couture. For me, velour is, pshhf, so, like, 6th grade.

The article's subtitle was "Cleanshaven, waxed metrosexual look gives way to more masculine ideal." Of course, a metrosexual in Alaska is a man who doesn't wear a fur hat. But still, I was a pioneer in this aesthetic, but I gave it up by the time I reached puberty, sometime between 1985-1994 (coincidentally, the velour/corduroy years).

But what really has me excited about this trend is not the fact that my genius is finally being recognized (The New York Times has never caught on this fast before), but this little statistic that closed out the article (which never mentions me by name, I might add). Apparently, surveys have indicated that 2 to 3 percent of women would describe a full beard as "sexy." I think we all know what this means. My chances of hitting it off with the ladies just DOUBLED!! And all I had to do was stop shaving! How easy was that?

But I'm not just doing this to impress women; my motives aren't nearly so self-serving as that. I am also in serious training for the 2009 World Beard and Mustache Championships which will be held right here in Anchorage, Alaska! So you might say I have grown this beard on behalf of all Alaskans. In three years, the best beards and mustaches in the world will be coming here, to Anchorage. The pressure on the hometown boys to put forth a respectable showing is going to be staggering. I don't want to let my friends and neighbors down. Serious Alaskan competitors such as Rosie Fletcher, Scott Gomez and myself know that when we compete--whether it be in Olympic snowboarding or in beard-growing--we compete not just for ourselves, but for all the young Alaskans who look to us for inspiration. We do it for all those who want to raise their heads high and say, "Dagnabit, I am proud to be an Alaskan! " So if I have to make sacrifices, if I have to discpline myself and stick to it when others fade away, then so be it. Grow beard, GROOOOOW!! *

www.worldbeardchampionships.com




* unless it gets hot and itchy this summer. I mean, it'll grow back, right?